I was sitting in the warm household of a family when the following story was related to me. The father of two young children leaned over from our meal and said, “have children when you are young.” I looked at him, with a look of acceptance mixed with uncertainty – unsure if there was a catch. He said:
“When I was in Egypt, I was about 19 or 20 years old and my father told me to get married. I said no. Instead I’d go to school, get a degree and a job before getting married.”
Coming from a very different background, parents encouraging marriage at 19 is pretty much unheard of, however the idea of getting a degree and job before marriage was something I’d been taught by the culture around me. In fact, the cultural baggage I carry from my upbringing is best described as the “rat race.” And, that race goes something like: at age 18 graduate high school; 22 graduate university; 23 travel; 24 start working; 25 buy car; 27 get married; 30 buy house and have 1st child; 32 have 2nd child; all the while investing in RRSPs; 55 retire. He continues,
“So, I got my degree. Then I did more university. Then I immigrated to the United States and started working. Finally, I decided it is time to get married. By that time I was in my early thirties. Now I am near to forty and my children are young. They have energy and run all day; I work am tired when I get home.”
“Ya akhi, I didn’t take my father’s advice – but, you should. When you are young you have energy to run with the kids, you’ll be more patient and won’t be as tired. Brother, get married and have children when you are young.”
We are all aware of the hadith our beloved Prophet (upon whom be peace) who encouraged people to marry: We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allah's Messenger said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power. (Al-Bukhari)
May Allah make us among those who are sincere in our intensions and bless us with success in the Akhirah.
8 comments:
Very true!
My mother gives that advice all the time, and so do all the ladies in our community...and these people are speaking from experience....but we wrongly think that they just want to get rid of us....
JAK for this post
salaam alaykum Lexicala,
wa'iyakum. I am glad that my short story is something others have experienced.
That's all very well, but you can't bring up children if you have no job to finance them, so University is important to do as soon as possible - it is a gateway to your chosen career.
Hi Rachael,
Yes, University is one good way to earn a living (although not the only way, of course).
Consider this for a moment: I get a degree in computer engineering and the financial crisis of 2009 puts me out of a job, or there aren't rains this season and I loose my crop, or I make a good yet unexpected business deal. Much of our life is not within our control, thus we trust that Allah will provide for us what is best and what we need. We seek the help of Allah and the guidance of Allah.
(now, don't get me wrong, education is a great and important thing and it is a tool and a means to achieve that livelihood - however, let us remember who is the true provider).
All the best to you.
subhan Allaah it was and is the opposite way in my home. My parents tell me to be educated with degrees ect... and put of marriage and Im the 1 saying getting married young has it's advantages but for some reason when I come up with ideas of careers they are always shot down even my life dream of becoming a doctor (after 11 yrs of hmms, blank looks, silence and doubtfulness about my abilities I decided it wasn't for me)it's a mess I feel like I have no direction from my parents yet what I come up with is always wrong and displeases them. It would be great to hear the above statement from my parents.
---confused sister
Sorry to hear confused sister.
Would they listen to lectures or a local Imam? Might be an idea to try, inshaAllah. Better worth a try than otherwise.
Assalamu alaikum
If you excuse me, I don't think the problem with the generation of today is a lack of willingness. The whole society is structured around late marriage; only a minority of religious parents encourage early marriage.
Furthermore, those young men who do want to get married have a million obstacles placed in front of them, what with the parents requiring a million things of a young man just out of university. They want a big mahr for their daughter; a house; nice furniture; a fancy wedding; a young man with a good degree from a good university and a well-paid job..
I am certain that if you were to ask any young man or woman on the streets of arab countries if he wanted to get married, there would be a unanimous "YES!"
SubhanAllah. The problem of spinsterhood in some arab countries is truly saddening. Amr Khaled speaks of this problem a lot, as it is quite evident in Egypt (among other countries); for that is the flip side: there are parents who wait long years for their daughters to find husbands and yet no one comes to propose; subhanAllah, everyone gets only what is written for them - but there is truly a sickness in our societies. At the time of the Prophet Muhammad alayhi issalat wassalam, even an old widow would not be left without a husband.
May Allah ease the pains of our Ummah.
wa'alaykum salaam wa rahmatullah Anonymous,
Yes, this is a complex issue - kindly just take this post as a story about marriage, not a researched paper regarding the causes and solutions. I did however give another post about finding a spouse, did you see this one? It might be more what you are looking for.
barak Allah fiikum
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